I will skip the next history of lies for a moment and give a brief statement: I want to talk about being an asshole. Now I know that anyone who might be reading this has, at more than one time or another, been guilty of this. And while I am certainly far too arrogant and self-satisfied to ultimately care that much what another might think of me, there still remain a few whom I do care about and who I am afraid I may have offended.
There was a previous post, since deleted, where I riffed on some theories better left between me and my therapist. I set out to explore how I lie to myself, as I have claimed all of us do. I went into deep focus of an uncertain memory and stated some pretty awful things. My wife told me that it was because everything has to be about me, and I can see her point. It was a show-offy little piece of psychological speculation that has no basis in fact other than flawed memory and the ricochet of an imagination that spends so much time in the darkness. Suddenly the worst possible things–things that happen, yes, but are so awful that nearly all of us are filled with repulsion contemplating them–suddenly these things enter into our minds and we cannot let go and there is a ballet of psychic urges that attempts to break through into a misbegotten past that we can never truly remember because, 1) it never happened and 2) we were too young to form realistic memories.
But this does not change the fact that we so often invent our own horrors, exaggerate our phobias, hysterically shriek when something frightens us and scream and scream and scream for attention because we doubt that other people love us.
This is a roundabout way of apologizing for something I previously posted. I will not say what, or which, or why, or how (when is a few hours ago, from the time this is being written). This is not to say, actually, that anything I have said in these brief confessional pieces is not the truth. It is just to say, after all, that there are a few things better kept private so long as discussing possibilities could cause innocent people harm. And so I am sorry for being such an asshole, for being an asshole in nearly every capacity and function of my life.
Damn, I’ll bet that makes you want to hear me rant against the Magna Carta and the Reformation!